At the Eve
by Vashagud
Summary: Buying barrettes for his girlfriend has turned out to be a hell of a thing. Zack-centric. Zack/Aerith. Zack/Cloud.
1. Chapter 1

"Hi, can I help you sir?" I think I almost miss that, it's so early in the morning. She's standing right at my back though, and that rush I'm still getting used to hits me like that. In an instance I can smell her perfume, the damp skin under it and hell, I can even taste her shampoo. I'm serious, and it tastes like chemicals, maybe like the gutters under the plate. But I think it's supposed to be one of those really fruity types, like berry smash, strawberry delight or...some shit. Not sure, but it's actually really depressing. I used to like it when girls' hair smelled like something sweet, it just seemed appropriate I guess. I actually used to date a girl whose hair smelled like grapes. All the time.

But now, all those scents just smell/taste like a mix of chemicals. And it just seems kind of ridiculous to have hair that smells like fruit. Sephiroth and his self proclaimed practicality must be wearing on me.

"Sir?"

"Oh sorry." I forgot that she was there again. I am a first class SOLDIER, and this cute little sales clerk could've probably swiped my wallet twice, while I was busy smelling/tasting her hair...chemicals. But it's the morning and super senses be damned, eight o clock is too early to be awake on a Sunday. But it _is_ for Aerith, so it's not all bad. I look at the girl's nametag.

"Hey, uh...Lisa. Would you happen to still have those shiny little...hair button things?"

"Excuse me?" She blushes kind of like Cloud, which is really,_ really _weird to think about. But I can tell she is also trying not to laugh. At me probably, no, definitely. But being a man, I find it a little hard to be embarrassed about not knowing the right name of those shiny hair button things. _And_ it's early, so yeah.

"Do you mean the barrettes?"

"Yeah, sure." Maybe. "Can you show me where they are? I saw them here yes-"

"I'm sorry sir, but they're all gone." Have you ever been profoundly grateful that no one can read your mind? Because I think my heart just sank, over some girl's hair clips.

It's just...they were _perfect_ for her. They were these shiny little pink roses, and pink's her favorite color, everything she owns is pretty much pink. And I've never seen her with anything but a ribbon in her hair, so I thought-

"I am really sorry sir." By the look on her face, I'm guessing that I must look pathetic. Which is actually pretty pathetic. So I suck it up, and look around again. "The last two went just thirty minutes ago. Actually it was a SOLDIER who bought them." the girl says smiling. For a minute I'm wondering how she even knows I'm a SOLDIER, because I don't have my uniform on. But I always forget about my eyes. And then what she says really hits me. A SOLDIER huh?

"A SOLDIER huh? That's funny..." I don't think my laugh is easy enough not to make her alarmed. I'm not upset. Nope.

"Yeah that is funny." she says, and her nervousness tastes a little more potent than her shampoo now.

"Did you happen to catch his name?" Smooth Zack. Real smooth. I watch her seize up a little. I really wish she wouldn't do that.

"No, no I didn't." I already have a sneaking suspicion who that SOLDIER is, but I just need to make sure.

"Do you uh...remember anything about his face?" I try to be softer about it this time.

"Sir, I don't really know if this is..." I wonder if I seems like I'm going to hunt and kill this guy. By her behavior, it must be so. But that's ridiculous. I usually don't scare people, and it makes me wonder what I look like right now. Do I look like I'd take my buster sword out, polish it, march to 209, and promise that if I don't get those barrettes back, free haircuts will be abound? No, because that's ridiculous.

"I really don't know sir, he had a helmet on." Bingo.

"I knew it."

"Sir?"

"Thanks for your help, Lisa." I wink, and she blushes and smiles as if she weren't even a little scared just seconds before. And it makes me happy to see it, even if the freaky similarity to Cloud is still there. I don't like it when people are scared of me, and it strikes me as I exit the store, that she kind of looks like Cloud too when she's scared, and that might be why it bothered me so much.

Walking back to the ShinRa complex is like walking through a freezer. It always seemed a little strange how cold it could get even under the plate, especially since so much of the waste winds up down here. The gutters smoke from it sometimes, and it almost looks like the streets are breathing. I run the rest of the way, and by the time I'm at door 209, I feel like it's more likely that I'll be asking for a drink of water rather than giving free haircuts. But when he opens up, I'm suddenly not thirsty anymore.

"What the hell Fair, it's…" he glances at his watch, though with that helmet it's a wonder he can see it at all. "nine oh clock? On a Sunday? You're hair better be on fire again…"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but…" I can tell that his eyes have gotten wide like Spike's did that one time he saw Sephiroth walking in the halls.

"You didn't…._take out General Sephiroth's car a-" _he whispers the last part, and as irrational as it is, I'm glad for it because Sephiroth has ears like a fox. And because Seph didn't speak to me for a week after I did that, which is worse than when he gets real close and slides out Masamune just enough, glares just long enough to let you know what could happen to you.

"No, Kunsel you bastard, you know what I'm here about."

"I do?" I can't see his eyes, but the way his mouth curves up on that gives him away.

"I want those barrettes back." He actually stands there and looks at me like I'm stupid.

"…What?"

"The barrettes, you know, the ones I was gonna buy?"

"The…shiny hair button things?" I feel my face heat up, because it dawns on me how I must sound. "Zack, are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious. You knew I was gonna get them for my girl."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The hell you don't."

"I don't, but what I do know is that you are acting like…"

"Like what?"

"Like a chick, that's what. Look at you, it' s nine oh clock on Sunday and you're here asking for your _barrettes,_ stop playing Zack, just get to the point, you're pregnant aren't you?"

"Kunsel."

"And you're here to tell me I'm the father, right? I knew that this was gonna happen…"

"Shut up Kunsel." It took me a while to realize he was even more obnoxious than I am. With the whole helmet thing and everything people tend to think he's some kind of introvert. But that's really not the case, Kunsel is a strange, obnoxious-if-you-really-know-him, busybody of a guy. Which still doesn't quite explain how he knows as much as he does. I've never told him this, but the first few weeks I knew him, I thought he was stalking me.

But it doesn't make sense if I really think about it. People stalk men like Sephiroth, not second classes.

"Then how do you explain a SOLDIER with a helmet on who 'just bought the last set of barrettes?'"

"I…how…"

"I have sources. And I also happen to know a certain someone who's always wearing his helmet." Kunsel gets really quiet like he always does when someone mentions his freaky compulsion. Probably ninety percent of the seconds don't know what he face looks like, the other ten percent know what his whole nose looks like, and only three percent of that ten percent know the color of his eyes. I'm in that three percent. Which is still kind of sad considering how much time I spend with him.

"Fine you got me." He says.

"I knew it, that is the last time I go shopping with you, you asshole."

"Geez, can you keep it down? I swear, people are going to start thinking I'm a chick too."

"If you don't hand over the barrettes, I'm going to make you scream like one." Kunsel just stared at me.

"…you know what? That is the kind of shit that makes people think we're…you know…"

"…what?" Kunsel did some kind of strange pantomime.

"You know…"

"No, I don't."

"Getting it on, Zack. Hitting the sheets, the sack, whatever you want to call it."

"Oh right. Except for the fact that no one thinks that. I'm clearly getting it on with Sephiroth."

"Hey, I heard that one too, you sure get around in the rumor mill. What's he got that I don't got?"

"Hair and a pair of eyes. Back to the barrettes please."

"Hey, I only went shopping with you so I could get something nice for my girl too. It's not like you bought them, or even looked at them."

"What? You _knew_ I was coming back to buy them. Fork em over, you can even name your price."

"I didn't think it was those!"

"Well it was, so…you have a girlfriend?"

"Well, not exactly. But I'm working on it. The barrettes were supposed to help." It was at this point that I think I realized I wasn't getting them back, and even on the off chance he still had them, I don't think I would've been able to take them. Almost as long as I've known him, he's had a thing for a certain ShinRa exec. He doesn't think anyone knows about that, but the truth is it's the one thing almost everyone _does _know about him.

"I gave them to her already, sorry man."

"You know what? Don't worry about it, I'm sure Aerith wouldn't mind some more ribbons."

"See you in basic?"

"Yeah." With that he closed his door, and suddenly I was alone again in the hall, barretteless. Four days until Christmas.

"So I guess you two are officially dating?" I jump at the voice, but I recognize it before I turn around. The question catches me completely off guard, because as a rule of thumb just to be extra careful, I generally don't talk about my girlfriend with Turks.

"What?"

"You and 'The Helmet.'" A wave of relief like no other washes over me. He's talking about Kunsel.

"Oh right." Reno looks at me strangely. "Yeah, but we're not official, so keep it quiet." He smiled and we started down the hall.

"Don't you think it's a little fast Fair?"

"Fast? You know I take it nice an' easy."

"Then what's the color of his hair?" No one knew that, as far as I knew. But as of late, Reno seemed to be obsessed with finding the face behind 'The Helmet.' I once thought Turks were or could be privy to just about anything if they tapped deep enough into…however the hell they knew all they knew. It really does border on freaky. I know for a fact that a girlfriend I had at fifteen is on file. Here. At ShinRa. But Reno had made no headway in his quest to see Kunsel's face. He never struck me as the kind of guy who would even care about something like that.

"I've known you for longer, and I don't even know the color of _your_ hair." I say. We both know that as many rumors as there are about me and other men, there are many more about Reno's hair. All the talk makes me even more itchy than I already am for some real action.

"I'm a natural red Fair." He laughed, "Do you really think I'd actually be something as mundane as a brunette?" I laugh, because I don't think anyone but him would say something like that, and because it kind of makes sense in a very twisted way, my own hair color considered.

"Probably not." I say. We enter the elevator together.

"Because if you don't believe me, there are other ways to prove it." This is where it gets really hairy, pun unintended, because there are guys like me, who can appreciate another guy who's handsome or whatever, and even say it out loud. And then there are guys like Reno, who take it many steps further. There's a lot of joking around about sexual preference, _a lot. _Actually, there's a lot of joking around about sex in general, and in the midst of all of that there's this fuzzy area, where you can't quite be sure what and what isn't a joke. Reno lives in that area. Reno revels in that area, and enjoys making people uncomfortable from that cozy spot. Not me though, but he keeps on trying.

"Gaia, I know everyone and their mother wants a piece of this, but I already told you I'm taken."

"Don't flatter yourself Fair. I don't do brunette."

"What is your deal with that anyway? I'm telling you, you're missing out." There is this strange moment where Reno's eyes go a little dark.

"It's my preference."

"What do you prefer then? And how do you explain Rude?"

"He's bald, it doesn't count." That kind of shocks me, because I'd expected him to make a deflecting joke, or some kind of comment that denied the whole Reno and Rude thing. He didn't deny it. And he suddenly seemed serious. As in, heart attack serious.

"God help him if he decides to grow hair then." Now, I'm a little uncomfortable, because I have a feeling he really isn't joking around anymore. Here, on a Sunday morning in an elevator Reno chooses to step out of the fuzzy area in front of me. I wonder if he simply trusts me with this, or if he's just resorting to the last thing in his arsenal. It's not shocking that he's gay. It's more shocking because of all of his constant joking around, all of the feigning.

"God has nothing to do with it. He's a survivor, and there always a nice blonde around."

"So, you like blondes?"

"Bingo."

"Really? That seems too obvious for you."

"Yeah, I understand where you're coming from but think about it."

"About what?"

"Blondes."

"Oh, okay." The elevator music plays softly and uninterrupted for a few seconds.

"You see what I mean?"

"No, not really. I mean I like blondes too but not-"

"Reap the wheat when the sun shines through, golden haired, eyes so blue…?"

"You wrote that?"

"Nah, but it's pretty right? I don't really even like poetry."

"You do know all blondes don't have blue eyes."

"Obviously, Fair. But speaking of blue eyes, that cadet you hang around with…" My head whirls around almost on its own. I feel my muscles tighten, and I know it's something I have to work on. Mainly because Spike hates it when I get all overprotective. And I know how important it is for him to work things out on his own sometimes, how important it is for him to prove himself. And he is more capable of that than I think he even sees right now.

"What about him?" Easy Zack. I think Reno catches the undercurrent anyway. For once I kind of resent the insinuation in his eyes.

"Is he…"

"Single? Possibly. Gay, no." I've heard him mention a girl at home once or twice, but I don't think they're together. It's the only thing he really talks about like he talks about making first class. And yet I still don't know much. Truthfully, I'm not even sure about him being straight. I never really thought about it much, but when I do, I realize he is in the same fuzzy area Reno used to be in. Except he's there because he just doesn't talk very much. And I'm sure it helps that the kid is all obscenely kinds of pretty.

"Oh, well I guess I'm out of luck then." Which really sounds like, 'so what?' "You're taking this a lot better than I thought you would." He says.

"Listen, I'm well aware of how he looks Reno. But he's a lot tougher than he looks, and ten times smarter. You not going to get to him unless he wants you to, so all I really have to do is sit back and observe. And if I observe something out of whack, something that actually does happen to get passed him, I'll be right there to catch it." Reno raised one of his red eyebrows.

"God, your diplomacy kills me."

"God has nothing to do with it."

"Right, but I'll tell you what one day I'm gonna tell you what color your boyfriend's hair is."

"Why are you so interested in that?"

"Possibilities Zack."

"What? On the off chance his hair's blonde?" Reno laughs.

"You got it." The elevator opens and we both walk out, go our separate ways.

It's almost ten o clock, but it suddenly seems as if it shouldn't be that early. It feels like evening, and I go back to my own quarters. My roommate is still not up, and I go to the kitchen, which is completely trashed, and drink the one soda I have left in the fridge. SOLDIER quarters get increasingly better with rank, and I think back to the slabs of rock they called beds back in the cadet days, and the very limited space back in the third class days. The second class apartments have fridges and real beds, so it hard to imagine anything better.

But Angeal let slip that I might be moving up soon, so I guess I'll see. I don't feel like training, or sleeping. So I grab my coat and head out, it's cold under the plate. When I get to the church, she is there with the frozen dew on her flowers, shivering. I think for a second that maybe I ought to by her a coat instead for Christmas. But he coat is lying in the flowers not that far from her.

"Zack." She says, without even looking at me. When I'm away from her and I think about her, it's never the same as when I'm actually with her, seeing every time for myself that she really is different, special. When I'm closer to her, I guess I can almost understand why they're after her.

"You should have your coat on." I say. I sound like my mother. It's like she hears that last thought because she lowers her head and smiles in that way that always makes me feel like I left all my clothes at the door.

"It was getting warm." She gathers a bunch of her hair in her hand and pulls it over her shoulder. It's half in a braid, half out. I don't think I've ever seen her hair out. She shudders.

"Was it the voices again?" She looks up at me with eyes that wonder how I could possibly know that, before they go soft and more visibly green (trick of the light?) and she remembers that she's told me things. Things that kind of freak me the hell out, truthfully, make me scared for what could happen to her and make me wonder if she hears anything when she looks at me.

"Yes." She says, "They're just…a bit loud today." I go over and kneel by her.

"I guess a lot of people are kicking the bucket today?" I only realize when I've said stupid things like that after they're out of my mouth. But she surprises me, like she always does, and laughs.

"That's not all it is Zack." She takes my hand in hers. She has hands like a swordsman, rough palms and fingers. I'm guessing it's from all that gardening. "I don't know what'd I'd do if that was all it was."

"You could come to me."

"I know." She says in that way I know is purely for my benefit. It like she thinks she has to handle it all alone, that this thing is just too extra ordinary for me to truly handle. Sometimes I think she's right. We are already two very different people, and these voices, dead people, ancestors, it just sets us apart further, and it drives me crazy because there's really no way I can relate, and I want to take on everything for her, but I can't and she would never let me anyway.

I can see how easy it would be for her to not feel normal, and even though I don't think I'd change a thing about her, I've tried to make her feel less out of place. She's better at hiding it than anyone I know, but I know she wants to go out on trips above the plate, take a normal walk around, not worry about who she's gonna turn around and see when selling her flowers. I think about those pink barrettes, and I think about her wearing them with a new pink dress, somewhere above like the plate just like anyone else.

"You're different today." She says, leaning her head on my chest, and I can't help myself, I take her hair out all the way.

"Just tired." It's ten thirty in the morning. I want to tell her about Kunsel, who never takes his helmet off and make her laugh because it's a funny thing, but not as funny as it is sad. I want to tell her how sad I felt to see him answer the door in it. How even though I was breathing hard, and even though I wanted those barrettes really bad, they've started me on Mako like crazy now, and I could hear him inside looking desperately for his helmet before opening up. I want to tell her about Reno and how he jokes even more than the rest of us about things that are complete bullshit and still of incredible substance all the same. I want to tell her that if she thinks that I can't be serious, she should really meet Reno, because he never is. And I want to talk about an hour ago when he finally was and still treated it like a joke. And I want to tell her how screwed up it is that it never _will_ be possible for her to meet him, just because she is who she is.

And…I want to tell her that Cloud followed me all over the place today. How I saw his blush and fear in a cute saleslady, how I thought of his silence and ridiculous self consciousness when Kunsel showed up at the door, how I genuinely threatened someone for the first time in my life because of him. And how even right now, I keep on thinking about _wheat when the sun shines through_, golden hair and eyes so insanely blue. And I don't really like poetry either.

I want to say everything to her, but I say nothing. Because it's just a lot to unload, and I know that I bitch a lot to myself about all the blocks between us, but here's one more. I think I'm working steadily towards one of my worst fears. That when she looks at me, she hears, she _feels_, nothing. And that maybe I'm the same.

Author's Note : I'm pretty sure this is gonna be a two-parter, so if you happened to make it through stick around? This one took a life completely of its own, it was just supposed to be a goofy drabblish thing. But then…yeah. Drop me a line if you read? And if you don't, thanks for reading anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

_"You have beer." Two accusatory blue eyes, and a quirked blonde eyebrow._

_"Hey, I'm second class. Those are the perks."_

_"Right." One pale hand dove into the fridge, came out with two beers, fingers curled over each bottle neck._

_"What are you doing?" The sound of the fridge closing sounds like a gunshot._

_"Enjoying your perks." blonde eyelashes catch the lamplight as he turns._

_"Spike, you don't drink." _

_"I don't have to. Nibelhelm has the strongest ale on the western continent."_

_"Bullshit. You need to come down south. And what does any of that have to do with you?"_

_"There's this flower that grows in the mountains there, it's better than any of the the regular hops. The towns people say it has a kick stronger than the chocobo raised up there. Everyone just assumes that since generation after generation has been drinking it, later generations are born with a tolerance."_

_"You beleive that?"_

_"No." he uncaps the beer. "But I'm ready to prove myself wrong." _

_"Strife, just when I think I got you pegged, you surprise me." a bottle held high, near the ceiling fan. "Cheers."_

_"What to?" he glances out of the side of eye._

_"To...you making third class."_

_"And... to your second class perks." he laughs._

_"To...friends?" Those blue eyes go dark, and the wings of the fan keep on casting shadows over his shoulders and face._

_"To friends."_

I wake up to the jingle of bracelets, and flowers.

"Zack wake up."

"Five more minutes..."

"Zack, you're crushing my flowers and it's really late." Flowers are comfy.

"How late..."

"Midnight." I sit up so fast I make myself dizzy.

"What?..."

"We fell asleep...for a really long time." I find myself checking to see if she has all of her clothes on. If I have all of mine on.

"I have to get home, my mom is probably so worried." I grab her coat and hold it out for her. She slips her arms in and zips herself up, pulling her hair out from the collar.

"I'll walk you."

"That's okay. I'll be fine." she smiles.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure, besides it might not be the best idea for her to see you."

"Hey, she know's you're a good girl." The way her hands touch where my collar stops, makes me wish she wasn't.

"Still, she thinks that you might convince me not be." Thank you Mrs. Gainsborough.

"Well... can I?" I touch her warm cheeks, feel them get warmer.

"Zack..."

"Can I?" I kiss her neck. "Hm?" She doesn't smell or taste like fruit, or any of the chemicals underneath. She tastes completely natural, like flowers, water, dirt. Really, I don't know why that does it for me. I feel her heart beating faster, I feel mine doing the same.

"Maybe you already have." Shiva, _why_ does she say things like that? she smiles, pulls away. She and Spike are both full of surprises. I want to be able to sum her up some way, but she keeps on doing and saying things that make it hard. Sometimes I wonder if she's got some kind of vixen like atler ego. It's entertaing to think about, especially when standing at attention for year or two.

I had a dream once that she showed up at my door completely naked, and told me that she had been _waiting so long_ and _needed me so badly_, and asked me if I was _ready to get dirty, _because we were going to _plant flowers_ all night. I think I spent the rest of the dream planting flowers with a naked Aerith, and wanting to spear myself with her spade.

But it was funnier when I woke up, and even funnier (though not haha funny) when I realized that it was riddled with paralles to the real deal. But I didn't have much time to ponder my one meaningful dream when I realized it was probably a result of my roomate Danskun, who watches his pornos way too loud when I'm sleeping.

"Zack I have to go."

"Oh, alright." we both stand up and head out. But I'm not really ready to go. I'm not tired, I've just slept more than half of a day. I want her to stay so that maybe I _can_ corrupt her a litte. Just to prove her how many times over it's worth it. Maybe to prove it to myself. And as I head on my way to my quarters, I think that maybe her mother might be right about me.

_"How do you know so much about beer anyway?" The two original bottles of beer are lined up on the wall with about four others. Drinking the whole fridge tonight was not part of the plan._

_"...My father used to work with it." But the kid doesn't clam up as much with some alcohol in his system. The kid has insisted on more beer. Says he'll buy more, but third classes can get in trouble even for a can of prohibited hairspray._

_"Did he bring some of that Grade A Nibelheim ale home?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"So, you were knockin' em back at like.. three years old?" _

_"No, but I had my first taste at five, I got into my father's supply. No one was home." This is one of the few times he has talked about his family, the first time he's talked about his father._

_"Rebellous."_

_"Stupid more like. I left off the top, like he wouldn't notice."_

_"Shit."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Well, what happened?" It's a loaded question, because the way the kid acts most of the time it's a given someone or some people at home didn't treat him the greatest. _

_"He came home, and I think he knew instantly it was me. So he found me, made me drink the rest. Of the bottle I mean."_

_"You serious?" _

_"Yeah. I actually didn't get too sick, but mom found out and I don't ever remember seeing them fight like that. That's actually the last time I saw them together. I don't remember much about my father after that._

_"Whoa...is he...have you.."_

_"He's dead. Accident." The only sadness in those blue eyes is what is normally there._

_"Damn. I'm sorry Spike."_

_"Don't be. I hardly remember him anyway. It's just that one memory I have of him. I...still wish I hadn't done that though."_

_"Hey, parents fight. Mine still do. I don't know why kids think it's their fault when it happens." _

_"I don't think it's all my fault, but I might have a better memory if I didn't do that. My father said, 'a real man can handle his ale.' He wanted me to be interested in it, I think. All the other boys wanted to be what their fathers were. I was never like any of them. I just wasn't interested." Spike is a funny character. He's mostly quiet, kind of melancholy, the definition of unassuming but…he'd shoulder the blame of the world if it was possible._

_"What were you interested in then?" And then the name came, carried on a breath, and a laugh._

_"Tifa. That's I was I was interested in."_

The streets under the plate are really quiet at midnight, but not the everyone is inside quiet. The calculating quiet of all the women you could buy for a few hours, the creepy quiet of too many wakos and unscrupulous characters lurking in the shadows, and the quiet that only descends by default. This weird stark silence that only exists because of what is there pulsing and beating above it. ShinRa.

"Hey!" A girl's voice cuts through. "Hey…stop!" I turn around when I realize how close the voice is. And there running up to me is Lisa, the cute saleslady. When she catches up, she puts her hand on her heart and tries to catch her breath. Her nail polish is black.

"And I thought, it was hard to catch your attention earlier today." She smiles, and so I'm guessing she doesn't need help or anything like that. I just think it's insane that pretty girls like Aerith and Lisa walk around here at this time of night.

"Sorry, I was…thinking." How lame does that sound?

"Well, you must have loud thoughts." She smiles again, and oh, I _know_ that smile. "So before you start thinking again, I'm going to cut to the chase."

"Listen, Lisa I-" have a girlfriend.

"Wait, wait," she cuts me off. That's one thing I've noticed about some girls. They could be blushing and hiding their faces and smiles behind their hands in the morning, but at night they were an entirely different animal. "I know where you can get some barrettes, right now." It wasn't at all what I was expecting, but with that shock, I do feel a little suspicious about it. Could this be the strangest come on ever? Where at this time of night would we get barrettes? Why does this feel like a drug deal?

"Where?"

"A store." Oh boy. That was when it no longer felt like a drug deal, but one of those offers of candy your parents always tell you to turn down. I laugh.

"Lisa, I have a girlfriend."

"Well, so do I." Whoa, stop the car.

"What?"

"I said, I do too, so there's nothing to fear. Even if I do think you are just too cute."

"Uh…"

"The only people who know about it are the ones I tell, but sometimes they tell other people so I guess I a lot of people know. Listen…."

"Zack."

"Zack, I just thought you looked like an honest guy in search of a present for his girlfriend."

"Are they pink?"

"Huh?"

"Are any of the barrettes you have, pink?"

"Yup." And so I went with her, because really, what did I have to lose? I wasn't tired, and maybe there was still hope for those barrettes. And if it didn't work out, I was sure I'd get a good story out of it.

I thought I knew every hidden route under the plate, but I guess I was wrong. It was like some kind of wild safari, or like trying to make my way through some of the most unnecessary routes in the Gongagan countryside, just without the trees, sky or any kind of vegetation. Just a lot of darkness, metal and dirt.

But when we got to the store, I knew something was up.

"This, is the store." I said.

"Not yet." And she got her keys out and opened the door to the most crooked, decorated house I'd ever seen. I knew it was almost Christmas, but damn. And I could already hear the music pounding inside. She could've just been up front and invited me to the party, if that was what she had wanted. When I went inside, it was like the ShinRa cafeteria at lunchtime. I'd say most of the guys there were SOLDIER, if not all of them. Most were dancing, all were attempting to get drunk. I had been there and done that. These guys were mostly all new second classes, which is when you start getting the big doses. And around that time you start to realize how much harder you have to work to get a good buzz. To get any kind of buzz.

"Follow me." She said. And I stopped.

"Upstairs."

"I run my store out of my room." I sigh.

"Of course you do." I only follow her up on the increasingly fattening chance she really does have those barrettes, and with the knowledge that I am an almost first class, and I can I get myself out of a bind if I need to. I am an almost-first class, strength speed and agility. I am an almost-first class, a SOLDIER. I am an almost-first class, and I will not be molested tonight. Besides, she can't be more than 90 pounds, all I'd have to do is exhale hard enough to fend her off.

But on my way up, I see a head of blonde hair among the crowd. A really familiar head of blonde hair. He is sitting on the couch with one of the other third classes, who clearly doesn't see that he would rather be sitting alone. That other third class is just talking and talking, and Cloud suddenly looks up, like he can sense me watching. He's searching for the presence, but I hurry upstairs before he can see me. I am an idiot.

I am actually the one to close the bedroom door behind us, and I'm breathing harder than I remembered. Lisa only smiles, pulls out a box from under her bed. I go and sit in a chair nestled safely in the corner, hold my head in my hands. There are some things that I don't understand, some things I am okay with not understanding. But this…it just keeps on coming back.

"Here." She hands me the box. "Pick the ones you like." She heads to the connecting bathroom and I watch the door close. I open the box and look in on all the shimmering barrettes, her room is hardly lit at all but they glimmer anyway. There's green cactuar barrettes, red ifrit head barrettes, and blue…blue…

_"Tifa?" Not even when he said that his father was dead, did he look as sad as he did then, talking about this girl. _

_"Yeah, that's her name. The girl I told you about." _

_"Really, now? Go on."_

_"That's it. Nothing to tell."_

_"Uh uh, you can't lead in like that and then stop. What does she look like at least?"_

_"I don't want to talk about it." His hand clenches around the bottle, mouth clenches shut. He gets up from the edge of the bed. "Maybe this wasn't a good idea." He says, and hell, maybe he does have a tolerance. Because he's talking and walking fine, looking as sharp as he ever did. But then he sways into the wall, catches himself with his hands. Leans his head into the wall too. "I think I should stop now."_

_"Stop?"_

_"Drinking, talking…being here maybe."_

_"What?" _

_"I should probably go back to my room, it's late." He says, head still pressed against the wall._

_"Wait, I have an idea." He turns, and he looks as white as the wall._

_"What?"_

_"A game." It was supposed to cheer him up._

There were no pink barrettes in the box, and when I look up, I think I almost dump the whole thing to the floor, because Lisa is there, in front of me, _naked._ A dream about a naked visit is one thing, but this…this is another.

"Okay, I think it's time I headed home." I close the box and try to hand it to her, but she doesn't move to take it and so I put it on the chair. "Well then, bye." Just as I turn for the door, she moves in a naked blur towards the door. There is no way she just moved that fast.

"What the hell kind of vitamins are you taking?" I say just a little breathlessly because hey, I can't help it. She's naked and moving like she's on the same dose as the SOLDIERs downstairs. I know I've somehow reached a new level of depravity when I kind of want to see her do a few cartwheels before I leave.

"I workout." She says. "I'm actually in the mood for one right now."

"I bet you are." I look around for any windows. "But I gotta hit the roa-"

"Zack come on, it's a party." She comes toward me. I feel myself swallow.

"But I thought you only liked to party with girls?"

"I didn't say anything about _only_." It was then that I realized this girl was far freakier than I had thought. There had been a time when I had wished for a girl like her, but now, not so much. Now, it was kind of scary. Suddenly the doors flies open and I see a fellow second class. I actually used to room with him.

"Lisa, what in the hell…_Fair_? What are you doing with my girlfriend?!" Wonderful.

"I…she said…I…just wanted barrettes."

"What the hell Zack? What the hell?"

"This isn't what it looks like." Which is exactly what people say when it _is_. Damnit.

"What is it then? Because I'm about to-"

"Look, instead of talking to me, you might want to talk to-"

"You trying to blame this on my sweet Lisa?!" My mouth fell open, did the fact that his girlfriend was standing in front of me naked not quite reach him yet?

"No, I…"

"I've heard about you know." Uh oh, I can hear the ShinRa rumor mill a' whirring before it even hits. "I know how you are with girls, you go through em like peanuts." Right. Like Peanuts. That pisses me off a little because I haven't been that way since I was fifteen, and it pisses me off because of how ridiculous that is at this moment considering I haven't gotten laid for nearly half a year. And yes, that _is_ as long as I've been in a _committed _relationship with my girlfriend, who I'm pretty sure isn't getting naked for strange men and/or women in her bedroom.

"You know what Anderson, maybe you don't know as much as you think you do. Why don't you talk about that with your sweet Lisa." I walk passed him through the door, knowing he knows better than to touch me and I head down the stairs. I push my way through the crowd, which is successfully boozy by now, and head for the door, shutting it behind me.

I stop on the stoop and take a deep breath of the cold, metallic air. I realize Cloud is probably still in there, a good friend would probably go in there and save him from that chatty third class who is probably still at it, but I am not a good friend. Good friends see dangerous things coming and don't drag their friends into it. Good friends don't avoid their friends. Good friends don't…

_"A game."_

_"Yup, I tell you something about my girlfriend, and you tell me something about this girl. Purely description." He comes away from the wall and sits on the edge of the bed again. _

_"Alright." _

_"Hair color."_

_"Black."_

_"Black like how?"_

_"What kind of question is that?"_

_"Well, straight black, curly black, black black, black that's actually brown…" Cloud raises both eyebrows._

_"You should stop drinking too."_

_"Eh, give it five minutes. The mako'll eat all the alcohol up." _

_"Right." He rubs his face. "Her hair is straight and black, but it's brown in the light, I guess. She ties it up sometimes, she's uh…always doing something. She doesn't like it when her hair's in her face."_

_"She plays sports?"_

_"No, she climbs mountains. Your turn."_

_"Okay, her hair is brown, straight naturally, but she always keeps it in this braid so it never is. Eyes."_

_"Brown. Dark brown." His mouth quirks. "Is that specific enough?"_

_"Nope. How do you feel when you look into 'em?"_

_"Seriously Zack? This is ridiculous."_

_"Seriously._

_"Okay, I feel like, I feel like, I'm looking at a pair of brown eyes alright? I know what you're trying to do. You just want me to talk about her, you don't want to know what she looks like. I told you I don't want to talk about it."_

_"Why not? It's a good thing."_

_"You wouldn't understand."_

_"Try me, what do you have to lose?"_

_"Everything, Zack."_

_"Well don't you think that's a bit melodramat-" _

_"You know what? Fine. Her name is Tifa Lockhart. She's the mayor's daughter, and she is popular, and she's so pretty… prettier than my mother. Everyone likes her. But she's not like everyone, she's a good person. No one really cares what kind of person she is though, no one even cared that she cried when her mother died. And no one was there when she went looking for her." Cloud paused, looked passed walls and metal and whatever was outside the corporation. "Everyone knows that bridge is shit, but everyone still thought it was my fault. I guess I kind of was, I should've stopped her."_

_"Did she…"_

_"She didn't die, but got hurt really bad. I…only got a few scratches."_

_"Well then, everything's good right? She knows the truth."_

_"I'm not sure what is the truth anymore. I came here for her Zack. But now it's different. I'm different." _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I…" he sighed. "The other day in basic training, the guys were talking about their girlfriends. And I thought about Tifa, and…I couldn't remember what she looked like."_

"_But you told me what color-"_

_"I know the color of her eyes and her hair, but I don't really remember how they were. I don't remember her face. I don't know if I'm here for her any more. It started that way but…"_

_"Being here for yourself is not a crime."_

_"I know but, there's still another reason why I'm here. Why I stayed here." A silence stretched on._

_"Why?" Cloud's hands were shaking._

_"I should go back to my room."_

_" Spike?"_

_"You wouldn't understand. You're happy with your girlfriend, you remember what she looks like. And I know you see her more often than I see Tifa, but it still doesn't explain why when she used to be everything, every reason I did anything, that now when I think of her, I just, don't feel it anymore. It's not the same. I'm not the same." I wanted to tell him that I did understand, how sometimes when I looked at Aerith I didn't feel what I used to. How I just wanted to kiss her, and do everything with her that would make me forget that emptiness between us for just a few minutes. How I didn't realize why, until just this moment. But I didn't say any of that._

_"There's someone else who makes you feel that way though?" Cloud hesitated._

_"Yeah."_

_That's tough." He looked at me, really looked at me. Got up from the bed._

_"Yeah, it is. I'm gonna head back to my room."_

_"Yeah, it is getting pretty late." And when he left, my hands were shaking._

I put my hands in my pockets and started home, but I felt something in there. Two blue barrettes that I didn't remember taking, came out in my hand. And just like that I heard a different kind of quiet, not quiet of the whores on the street, or whoever was lurking in the shadows. Not the silence by default. But the quiet that comes on the wings of realization, right before your thoughts thunder over it. But I had already done too much thinking, so I threw the barrettes to the ground and jogged all the way home, and I listened to my feet, and my breath. But my heart kept beating fast and loud in my ears, and no matter what I did I just couldn't block it out.

author's note : well, this was _supposed_ to be a two parter. XD But seeing as that the plot bunnies are running wild out of their cages, I'm just going to say that there will be a next chapter, though I'm not entirely sure if it will be the last chapter. I Let you know though, when I get there. Thanks for reading if you read, and totally review if you feel up to it, because I always enjoy hearing what you think. Thanks to those who have already reviewed. Hopefully you stick around for the next installment.


	3. Chapter 3

When I head to the office the next day, it is three hours before I'm actually supposed to be there. The halls that lead there are all steel and glass, and once you get passed a certain point there's this huge window from floor to ceiling that spans the rest of the hall. The sun is rising bright and red today, and it's beautiful, especially from this vantage point, but I don't stop to look at it.

Usually I would, because anything that beautiful is worth a glance or two, worth staring like you'd never seen a sun before in your life, but today I find myself walking down the hall doing anything I can not to look at it.

But as I realized at about seven years old, things like the sun and moon are unavoidable. Because they follow you. It funny when you first realize it because you never really think about it until you're playing tag, or riding a bicycle and you look up and realize the moon's still in the same place it was two streets ago.

It was cool then, but right now it's a little annoying. Every step I take it seems like the sun is about one hundred watts brighter, and a couple clouds closer. Goddamnit, _clouds..._if it rains today we're gonna have some serious ice and...screw it, I'm just gonna be honest. I don't care about rain or ice, for that matter. But anything is better than thinking about the clouds themselves. And I will be as successful at not thinking about the clouds, or their blue eyed namesake, as I have been with trying to escape the sun.

Everything, _everything_, always comes back to him. And I resent his parents just a little, for giving him a name like that. Because what's really screwed up is that along with the sun and the moon and the stars, clouds are another thing in the sky that can follow you for miles. It feels like Mr. and Mrs. Strife have both joined into the conspiracy, along with Kunsel, Aerith, Reno, the sun, moon and...pretty much the whole damn cosmos.

Angeal got me a key to the office a week ago, and I am never more grateful for it as I shut myself inside the office. At the time though, when he handed me that key card, all I could feel was the horror of the unfathomable amount of paperwork in my near future. I used to think that when I reached first class, I'd be getting more action than I could handle. Turns out, alot of that action is gotten behind a desk. Doing paperwork. And lately Angeal's been keeping me at his side for this very exciting part of the job, and little by little working me into it.

The only good thing about this whole thing is that I get to spend a little more time with Sephiroth while I'm actually on the clock, which is double tasking if ever I did know it. Seph is still kind of...well Sephiroth-like even though I think we've moved into a place where we might be friends. He doesn't glare so much when I'm in his space, and lets me drop the 'sir's' once in a while without commenting. There's has always been something about him that makes me want to take him out and show him a good time, but he's so unmovable sometimes, it's all easier said than done.

Sometimes I think about having him meet Aerith. Though we're not best friends or anything, I'm as sure that I can trust him as I am sure that she has gotta be capable of opening him up. If she can't, holy hell, I don't even know if I can. I go over to the window close the blinds, and sit in Angeal's chair. They always keep it nice and warm in the office, and I lay my head down and just rest my eyes.

But you know, that's what people say when they just need to go to sleep and despite myself I'm drifting off. I'm drifting off, even though I got up extra early and came all the way here just so I might stay awake. Because along with the sun the moon and the stars, and damnit yes, the clouds, my dreams conspire too. And they fill my head with the one person I just would rather not think about right now. And maybe there's another reason why I'm here.

Because Sephiroth...Sephiroth is the only person who doesn't remind me of Cloud. And all things considered, he's probably the only person who should.

When I wake up, the blinds are still closed, but the lights are on. Lifting my head up, I feel someone is in the office, but I can't quite see that yet. But after I clear the sleep from my eyes, I see the silver, black and green for what it is.

"Mornin' Sefrof..." He had been silently moving around papers on his desk, and without stopping to even look at me, he answered.

"Fair." Just like that, but it was good enough. I looked around.

"Where's Angeal?"

"He won't be coming in today." Sephiroth is so hard to read, that sometimes when any kind of feeling slips through it's just more confusing than informative.

"Is he okay?"

"He is fine."

"Oh, okay." I say, and Sephiroth motions with his hand.

"The pile in front of you is yours." I look in front of me and see a nice fat stack of papers. Effin A.

"I can't wait. Hey, why didn't you wake me up?"

"You do not come in until an hour from now anyway, so I let you sleep." I nodded.

"Thanks." And then I notice a little present wrapped on the desk. "Whoa, looks like Angeal's Christmas came early." But because I'm nosy, I look at the tag and it doesn't say Angeal, it says _Zack. _"What the hell?" I look up at Sephiroth. "This present has my name on it." Sephiroth sighs.

"Then it must be for you."

"But...who..."

"That work will not do itself, Fair."

"Oh right." And I get started on my work, like a good almost first class. I don't open the present then and there for two reasons. One because Sephiroth doesn't have one, and I'd feel bad about it. And two, because at this moment with everything that's going on, I don't feel very much like I deserve a present. But about halfway through my stack, I can't keep my mouth closed anymore. I can't do another goddamned form. I had planned on getting talking to Angeal today about my issue, but since he wasn't there, Sephiroth didn't seem like such a bad choice.

But still I was reluctant. Sephiroth is scary no matter who you are, unless you're Genesis who doesn't really count anyway because he is _all_ kinds of crazy.

"Hey Sephiroth?" he doesn't respond at first and I tell you, that doesn't do anything for my nerve.

"Yes Fair?" I cringe a little because of that. This might be so much easier if he just called me Zack.

"Can I...ask you something personal?" Sephiroth stops and looks at me and it's enough to make me want to go back to the paperwork.

"This isn't a time to socialize, Zack." Well, he says my name this time, but it still didn't help me any.

"I know, but...I..." I take a breath, this is all getting out of hand. There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to keep myself together. "You know what? Never mind, it was stupid." And then I return to my work, but for the longest time I feel like Seph is just sitting there watching me. And when I dare to look up, he is.

"Why did you arrive here so early?" he asks, out of the blue.

"I...I don't know. I just felt like it." He nods and goes back to his work. "No, that's a lie." I say, before I can stop myself. He lifts his head again. "I couldn't sleep, I _could_ but I just..." He narrows his eyes, and taps his pen on the desk.

"Ask the question."

"Wha..?"

"The personal question you wanted to ask."

"Oh...well..." it's hard to get it out.

"Sometime this century please."

"Have you ever...been haunted by something...I mean not like a ghost, but kind of...and no matter what you did...you just couldn't get rid of it?" After I say it, haunted seems all wrong. Things that haunt are usually bad, and usually it's because you've done something wrong. And I haven't done anything wrong. I know I haven't, but it feels so much like I have.

"Yes."

"And how did you...get rid of it?"

"I didn't." _Well. _Thanks Sephiroth.

"Oh. Well do you still have any advice?"

"You can train, find constructive ways to use your time, confront it-"

"Confront it? Like how?"

"It would depend on what is haunting you Fair."

"Right." And it was at that moment, when in all my rotten luck, guess who's name popped up on one of the forms. "Shiva." Strife, Cloud. And in thin red letters, 'probation.' "What the fu-"

"Language Fair."

"I'm sorry I just...I've introduced you to Cloud right?"

"Cadet Strife? I believe so."

" It says here they're putting him on probation and you know he would never do anything to screw up his chances here."

"I don't know that."

"Well _I do_ and this," I looked at the paper again, "...this has gotta be a mistake."

"That is doubtful. I understand that you are close to the boy, but-" Close to the boy, he said. And I know how irrational it is, but I wanted to deny it. Even though he'd said it with no implication. "...of the job is being able to put aside your personal involvement."

"I'm not personally involved!" I actually snapped at Sephiroth. Shit. I ran a hand through my hair. That hadn't had any implication in it either and I had..."Damnit...I'm sorry that was out of line, I didn't mean to..." I put my head in my hands. I know I'm lucky right now I'm still in once piece. "I'm really sorry." When I look back up at Sephiroth he is back to work, and I feel so guilty. And eventually I get back to work too, and that is that. When I'm done, I nearly run out of there, the present on my desk forgotten.

And when I reach the elevator, it is empty, except for one person. She's fixing her suit and doesn't notice it's me right away, but I smile to see her because even though her feelings make things awkward between us sometimes, I genuinely like being around her. I wait for her to look up at me before looking away and when she does, her eyes go wide and she makes this noise between a squeak and a gasp.

"Geez, you scared me." she says laughing. I smile too, and think that she might be just the thing to take my mind off of things.

"Isn't part of your job description being observant?" she puts her hands on her hips like Aerith does sometimes. And then it's killed dead. I suddenly remember that Cissnei stands at the top of that landslide. The very first time I ever noticed something of one person in another person it had been Aerith in Cissnei. They couldn't be more different, but at the root they're so similar it blows my mind. And now, I'm wondering how long it'll be until I see Cloud.

"I'm on break." she says.

"Oh, Tseng letting up?"

"Tch, not a chance. This is in the contract, if it wasn't I'd be working, working, working, all day."

"Probably." There was an awkward silence, and then she put her hands in her pockets and turned to me.

"Are you okay?" It completely caught me by surprise.

"What? Yeah." I looked at her and she was still watching me, one eyebrow raised. "Why?" I asked.

"You just don't seem like yourself."

"I thought you were on break." I smile and she shrugs.

"I'm observant when it matters." What I like about Cissnei, that I don't get from any of the men around here is the straight fowardness. There are jokes, but they're not always covering up something else. What's more uncomfortable about this though, is that it _is_ so straightforward. She's not gonna cover up that she cares, unless her job causes her to. Turks.

"Thanks, but I'm fine."

"Right."

"I'm serious, Ciss. Hey, you wanna go to lunch or something?" It's an easy change of the subject, and I don't feel like eating alone.

"No, not really." she smiles. "But I can think of something to do that's a lot more fun, and so much better for us than cafeteria food."

"What's that?"

"Sparring."

"Sparring?"

"Yes, sparring." she says it like that's some common proposition. I know this sounds really old school, but I just don't like fighting girls. In Gongaga you pull out chairs for them, hold out coats for them, you don't...unleash on them. I'd fight a chick if I had to, but even then I think I'd probably feel really bad about it.

"Ciss-"

"Uh uh, don't give me that. I can already tell how you're going to answer. I know you pretty well and I figured you'd either be completely good with this, or not at all and-"

"Not at all Cissnei."

"Because I'm a girl?" Well, when she asks it like that, it seems wrong to say yes. But I know she'd know if I lied.

"Well, yeah." She pouts, and Shiva it's cute. And doing absolutely nothing to convince me to fight her.

"That's a horrible reason not to fight me. I am a Turk you know, I'm trained for this. But this place is such a boy's club I can't really get much practice. Tseng always brushes me off and tells Reno to do it, but he always plays around...please Zack?"

"Cissn-"

"And okay, I get that you don't want to hurt a girl, but what makes you so sure you can? I've gotten out of some pretty sticky situations, without a scratch, but if I don't get the practice then maybe one day-" she was pulling out every trick in the book and when the elevator opened she followed me down the hall. I stopped and turned to her.

"That's not gonna work Cissnei." she only smiled and crossed her arms.

"Then maybe a pair of barrettes will." I think my mouth falls open. I close it.

"What did you say?"

"New travels around here, you know that." she has that same sly glint in her eye all Turks seem to have. "I heard that you wanted a pair of barrettes, a pair Kunsel bought and gave to Scarlet."

"How..." too many questions, not enough brain space to comprehend them.

"I had to go to Scarlet the other day with Tseng, talking weapons and stuff, you know her. Afterwards I saw these barrettes lying around on her desk, and I thought they were cute and...you won't beleive this part...she just hands them over and tells me to get lost."

"She gave you the barrettes Kunsel gave her?"

"Yeah, I kind of feel sorry for him, he doesn't get that the only man she bothers herself with is the president."

"Yeah well, he really likes her...for some reason..."

"So..."

"So if I spar you, I get the barrettes, is that it?"

"Mm hmm. I have them right in my pocket." I look at her and then at the length of the hallway. I think about Aerith and those pink barrettes, and all the other pretty things I want to buy her to try and make up for everything that is happening. I think about what her face might look like opening that present and damnit, Cissnei knows she has gotten me.

We head to one of the training rooms, and she's got her stuff on underneath her clothes, and just undresses right there at the other end of the room. She's only got simple stuff on, no protective gear or anything. So I take off my shoulder guards and my sword. But when she comes forward, I still feel like I have on too much compared to her.

"Where's you're Rekka?"

"Back at the office."

"No weapons then."

"You got it, hand to hand." I sigh, look at my Buster on the floor.

"Okay."

I make the first move, and she springs into action like that. I could catch her so many ways, but I have to think of something that's not too brutal, but not something she won't get anything out of. I'm sure she's the type to call me out if I go too easy. I'm thinking of a hold for her, but she's pretty damn fast and she catches me in the back with her knee.

"Don't think so much." she says from behind me. I feel her moving over the floor, and I turn to where she is, grab her wrist and toss her around my opposite side. She isn't so fast to recover off her balance, and I step back and throw her over one of my ankles.

She might have just fallen to her back, but she's got a backwards roll some third classes are still trying to master. Back to her feet, I see her eyes moving this way and that way, trying to think of a way to get around me, to fight offense, without actually fighting offensively.

It might not be such an issue for a fellow SOLDIER, where sheer strength is a possible match. But here, her greatest strength is her speed. Fighting me head on, would make this one very short match. But how many guys like me is she gonna face? Probably alot more than even she thinks.

"You can come at me, you don't have to wait."

"Head on? No way."

"Nope. Make like you're coming at me. Not now, because I'm ready for you." she smiled and stepped out of the way of one of my grabs, clearly not easily distracted either.

"You're fighting dirty." she said, nailing me in the chest with the side of her forearm.

"Am not. I'm helping." I grab on of her coming punches, and throw her back. She runs to me and sweeps her legs out at the last minute when I'm about to deflect her again and I stumble. Quickly, she gets me in one of her holds.

"Oh. I guess I'm so used to Reno and his tricks..." I break her hold easily, and she goes tumbling onto her back, no roll this time.

"No tricks from me." I go for her as she's getting up, and she dodges me within a hair's breadth.

"That's why we like you." she says jumping up and bringing both her elbows down to meet my shoulder. The jumping is such a mistake on her part, because I could have easily snatched her from the air and ended it right there.

"We?" I take the hit and step back.

"Your fan club, I told you about it."

"Oh, right." I still haven't gotten over that_. I_ have a fan club. Is the world running out of real heroes? Granted, one day I'll get there. But right now, I am definitely not. I make a grab again for her, and this time I get her. She tries to break it before it's tightened up, but no such luck.

"I want you to get outta this Ciss." she's struggling, and then I don't how, but she slips out of it. "Hey, nice. I didn't think you'd know how to get outta that one." she smiles.

"I know alot of things." I suppose as a Turk she would, but there's something in her voice that's telling me she wants me to ask what that is.

"Like what? Special secret Turk stuff right?" One of my punches connects with her shoulder and I'm just grateful I can control my strength better than I could a year ago. Again though, I'm thinking too much and she take the still extended arm and flips me to the ground the same way I did earlier to her.

"No, just stuff I've found out on my own. Things around here are crazy, even if you don't have a confidential file to look into." I get up.

"Tell me a secret then. Something you haven't told any one else." She runs forward like she's about to attack but instead dodges around me and gets a good hit in my lower back.

"I know the color of Kunsel's hair." she says from behind me. I stop and she sees it and gets in good hits in my side. "Don't tell Reno though, it's fun watching him try to find out." I block another one of her hits.

"What color is it?" she lets her guard down a bit.

"Red." We both laugh, it's funny on so many levels. I _want_ Reno to find out now. "When he find out he's not blonde after going through everything..." she laughed, and because she was laughing I got a little distracted and she got me in another hold. This was was better. "Speaking of, he really likes your friend." I tried to break free without using a lot of force but then way she had me was making that difficult.

"My friend?" she tightened her arms around me.

"Cloud Strife?" I go still and she is still holding me.

"Oh, yeah. I know." I tried halfheartedly to find a smart and gentle way out of the hold.

"Reno is such a skeez, it's a good thing Cloud's not going for it."

"What...what do you mean?" She tightens her hold in order to tell me not to get to lax and to stop just standing there.

"I mean, I think Cloud's got someone else on his mind. He's so quiet it's hard to tell though." I almost break out, but she changes the angle so that I'm not particularly sure I can break it without using some real force.

"Who...do you think it is?"

"You." she says, and flips me over her shoulder. It doesn't seem possible, but she's gotten me with a textbook move. The one women who practice self defense all know. It's perfect, because it doesn't discriminate and all you need is leverage. But when I come up from the floor, I realize my nose is bleeding. When she sees, she rushes towards me, with those same wide eyes from earlier. She is by my side, apologizing profusely. I wave her off, wipe away the blood and smile.

"Don't worry about it, I just lost my focus there."

"Yeah, I see that." She grabs my shoulders and is about to say something but then her phone rings from her clothes on the other side of the room. I watch her leap up and run to them. And I think that she's a lot stronger than I thought before, and she's so hungry and a lot like Cloud. When she comes running back she is back in her work clothes.

"Tseng's not happy with me, I guess I let time get away huh?" she smile and reaches in her pocket. "Here, I promised you barrettes so here they are." And when she puts them in my hand I see that these are not the barrettes I meant. These are red hearts, not pink roses. Which means, Kunsel _didn't _buy my barrettes.

"Thankyou." I say, even though I'm a bit crushed.

"No problem." She touches my shoulder. " Again, I'm really sorry. Go get your nose checked out, okay?" I nod and she gets up and hurries to the exit, and is gone before another second passes.

When I'm all dressed again I leave too, time to kill before my coming class. The things that Cissnei said about Cloud echo in my head all the way down the hall, and suddenly I think about Sephiroth and what he said about being haunted. I suppose I the paper work could be counted as doing something constructive, I had 'trained' a bit with Ciss, I'd done everything but outright confront it. And it's like it's written in a program somewhere inside my head the way I find my way to his door.

I take my hand from my nose and knock. I'm not sure if he's even going to be around at this time of the day, and part of me hopes he isn't, but part of me hopes he is. That part clearly isn't where my brains lie, because any doofus in this situation can see how badly this can end, can see that this isn't a great idea. I think I stand there thinking so long that I don't notice the door opening. My heart is going like mad, and my nose hurts like a bitch, but not nearly as much as this whole thing.

It's funny that I've devoted so much time to avoiding him and any thoughts of him, and now I've marched right to his door. I could leave it alone. But no, I really couldn't. I have to do the right thing, and that's not running away. And when he opens up, he's there looking as somber and sharp as the day I met him. It all registers in his eyes and he bows his head and exhales. God help me, he is so…sullenly beautiful, and I don't know if that makes any sense, but none of this makes sense anyway, so it doesn't matter. What matters right now is that I make this right, and that right in the doorway where he stands it feels like the whole universe is conspiring, with all that dark uncharted territory and all the stars burning in it that make my fingers itch for a touch that can't be gotten.

And for once, when I tell the universe to leave me alone and shut the hell up, it listens. Because the job is done, I am right here confronting it. I'm going to do the right thing. But as he steps aside and lets me in, I'm already losing sight of what that is.

Author's Note: Thank you so much to those who have already reviewed, I really appreciate the input. I hope this chapter was enjoyable. Still, there is a bit more coming, so stay tuned.


	4. Chapter 4

Cloud doesn't immediately turn around when he closes the door, he just kind of stands there, watching the door like he's waiting for it to talk to him. For the first time in a while, I don't have anything to say. Well, I do, I just don't know how to say it. I take a seat at the edge of his bed, and the bedsprings make this ridiculously loud grinding noise. Though I'm pretty sure that it's only so loud because of the heavy silence that has accumulated in the ten seconds I've been in his room.

Wow, this has gotten awkward really quick. I was hoping it might set in after I've said...whatever the hell it is I'm gonna say. Cloud turns around and leans back on the door. He crosses his arms over himself and shrugs, and I know that is his way of asking me why I'm here. The truth is though, I'm not exactly sure. But what I do know is that the Cloud before me is so much like the Cloud I first met. Not entirely withdrawn, but still entirely too quiet. He hasn't been like that for some time now, especially with me.

I could definitely be tooting my horn but, I think I might be the one person who knows what he looks like when he's really smiling, really laughing. The difference is so stark, it's almost like he's got two people switching around in his skin.

"I was doing my homework." he says, and that message rings loud and clear. He wants me to leave. He doesn't look at me though, he looks to the desk in the far corner where his books lie, closed. I get up and go over to the desk, The textbook is on health care, first aid, stuff like that.

"I remember this class." I say, obvious small talk. Cloud isn't stupid.

"I have Carson." he says quietly.

"She hot right?" I say it before I think about it, and I feel so stupid. As insensitive as Cissnei sometimes claims I am. Cloud exhales.

"I guess." he says. I nod, open the book to a random page. Mouth to mouth comes up. I close it, look at the poster of some band his roommate has up. Something occurs to me.

"Did you know you were on probation?" Cloud snorts. Yes, that might have been the stupidest question yet. He doesn't respond. "Cloud?"

"It was stupid." he says, coming away from the door. "Really stupid." he puts his hands in his pockets, and looks at that same poster.

"Well then, I should be able to relate." He glances at me, then continues to look at the poster. God, why won't he laugh? Do something to make this not so awkward?

"You don't want to hear this."

"Yeah, I do. Forget about rank okay? It's me, I know you wouldn't really do anything to-."

"I went to a party." he says, and I instantly flashback to him sitting on the couch with that other chatty third class. "And I drank so much..." He rubbed the side of his face. "I knew I had class the next day but I-" he sighed. I knew how much all of this meant to him, I knew he was beating himself up about it.

"So you came to class a little drunk?" I tried to make light of it, because it had happened before with other soldiers. In fact, it was pretty common. But with Cloud, it wasn't. He might've just been the best behaved follow the rule to the letter cadet I'd ever met, and so this was more of a red flag than anything.

"No." he says, averting his eyes to floor. "I wasn't drunk in class."

"Then...wha-" And suddenly he turns to look at me, his face very serious. More serious than I've ever seen it. It's more than a bit disconcerting.

"At the party...there was this other third class. Edwards. He was the one that kept getting our drinks." Have you ever just seen something bad coming, just by the look in someone's eye, or just in the way the air suddenly settles? Right about now, it's so thick you could spread it on bread. I look at the wall behind him.

"What happened Spike."

"I...this is so stupid Zack." he says and his voice actually breaks. I look back to him, and we hold eachother's eyes for a really tense moment.

"Finish it." I say, and it's a little surprising how rough my voice comes out.

"I should have just left..." he balls his fists. "I always knew I was different but not...like that...back in Nibelheim they always used to joke...guess it was true."

"What?"

"I only ever wanted her...and now I.." he sighed, and turn around in place, his back to me. "I really hurt him. I didn't think I would, because he's so much better than me at the technique but-"

"You're a lot better than you think you are Spike." I sighed. "You got into a fight in class."

"Yeah. With Edwards." I blinked, the chatty third class at the party? A few silent beats passed. "That's an understatement. He was on the floor and they pulled me away and it was like...I _was_ drunk. I can't remember when I...and he was really messed up... and I didn't mean to...he didn't deserve it and I..." he held his head. "I really screwed this up. It was my fault too."

"Whoa, _what_ was your fault?"

"At the party, I was drunk and...he...kissed me." Cloud's shoulders slumped. "And I...I did too." I knew that it was his round about way of saying that he'd kissed him back. "I...never...I like girls."

There was no room for my shock. I could tell that he couldn't even believe the words were coming out his mouth. I suddenly understood and could very well see the fight before me. This was clearly something Cloud wasn't comfortable facing, and just with everything being the way it is with him, I could see why he'd be frustrated, confused, _angry. _Angry enough to take it out on the person who made him confront it. What's crazy is I realize I have been doing the same thing, but I never touched Cloud. I went about the opposite way and just outright avoided him.

If I could recapture my balls and speak up about it, maybe I could do some real damage control. But instead I said something else stupid.

"So do I." And look at me now. "Maybe you like both?"

"This isn't a joke." he said, turning around. "This isn't right. If they find out at home...if my mom..." I leaned my knees. "This was one of the few things I knew for sure, Zack. Tifa, was...damnit."

"Who says it's not right? This isn't ten decades ago you know, probably half the guys here are-"

"It's not that." he said. "I thought I knew who I was."

"Cloud it's not that-" he walked towards where I was sitting on his bed, until he was directly in front of me.

"Yes it is. This changes...everything. What I said before, when we were drinking, you know what I meant. And I understand if you don't want to be friends with-" And there it was. It was inevitable that it would come up. The night when he revealed his feelings extended just beyond friendship. Part of the reason I was here in the first place, the other part...was all me. The part that was still really confused, and so desperate to do the right thing. I stood up and I grabbed his shoulders. Probably shouldn't have done that last part. Contact in general just doesn't seem a great idea right now.

But then again, this whole thing wasn't a great idea now that I'm here, looking at his eyes and the freckles you can only see really up close.

"Don't be ridiculous, why would you even say that?" I'm such a hypocrite in so many ways right now. But in the moment, I'm a hypocrite because I've been avoiding him, because the thought of severing ties completely has crossed my mind at least twice. Not because of him, but because of me. _It's not you_, _it's me_, is possibly the worst line in the book, but sometimes it couldn't be more relevant. And Spike just looks up at me.

"I saw you at the party." and my blood runs cold. He hasn't directly said it, but it tells me that he knows I've been avoiding him for sure, and he most certainly knows why. I. Am an asshole.

"I..."

"You don't have to explain. I understand." he says. And it breaks my heart. But what gets me is that he really doesn't completely understand. Half of the reason, he just might be right about. The other half, he has no idea about. He doesn't think, because I am blessed with Aerith, probably the world's best girlfriend, because I seem to have it figured out. He doesn't think to notice either, how easily he pushes me from one feeling to the next, how I've never spent as much time on anyone else, just trying to get them to smile. He probably doesn't even know that sometimes, I see his progressing, climbing up the ranks and I don't think I'm even as proud of myself. And that sometimes in times like that, I hope nothing ever happens to pull us apart, be it rank or...me being an idiot.

A really confused idiot.

"No you don't." I say. "You really...really don't." I feel my hand move into his hair like it has it's own mind. I need to go _now. _But I don't. And I'm leaning my forehead against his, and telling him "We're always going to be friends..." but that's not really what I'm thinking, and his hand comes up to my neck, actually right _exactly_ where Aerith had touched just some days ago.

"I like girls...I only ever wanted Tifa..." he says, and I can feel his breath on my chin.

"I like girls too..." I say. And can hear my own breathing. "But right now, I only...want you." My stomach drops to my feet at my own words. I have found my balls, but right now all I deserve is to be kicked in them. Mostly by a particular flowergirl. My Flowergirl. And I'm sure Cloud sees Aerith in my eyes, just as I see the hazy image of Tifa in his. And my hand has travelled down to the nape of his neck, and his next breath is shuddered and barely audible.

But I hear it, so loud like my own heart beat. And in the moment I lean down and kiss my best friend's uncertain mouth, with my own just the same, I feel what it's like to have your heart catch up to you, after so much running. It feels like arms coming around you, lips opening for you, but it also feels like drowning. And so you lose that heartbeat, either way.


	5. Chapter 5

When he pulls back he's got this expectant look on his face that I'm sure means a lot of things, like _what the hell are we doing _and _what comes after this?... _I'm sure I've got the same look as him, and as we're standing there in the dark and I almost laugh, because I know what I'm thinking and it's somewhere along the lines of_ I like women, but if I could get away with it, I'd really like to kiss you again. _I sometimes wonder if I am as shameless as so many people seem to think I am.

It's weird how unimportant kissing someone with matching equipment seems when I think about Aerith. I think about her gardening and humming like she does sometimes, I think about her cold in her flowerbed and I just want to hold her and tell her everything.

Somehow I know it would only end with her holding me, because it's always that way with us. She understands a lot, a hell of a lot, but I...don't want her to understand this. Because I know that just because she understands it, bears it, whether it's the dead people, her ancestors, never being able to leave, I know it has to hurt. Even if she's out there everyday smiling and selling her flowers. So if I told her about this...thing which is still getting a little bigger than I am...I could only hope that she'd punch me, or slap me or throw me out of the church.

But she'd never do something like that. Angeal once said I was a glutton for punishment, and maybe he was right.

"You should go." he says, and when I look back up at him it's almost instinctive that I search for the light in his eyes, but then I remember he isn't at that point yet. I'm just starting to get the intense treatments now, and he will start on them soon. But I still feel his eyes on me in the dark, even though I know he can't really see me.

He's got old eyes like Aerith and it's unnerving even in the dark. I wonder if he is reconsidering what kind of friend I am, and if he is then I understand it. If he isn't, then I really don't. I'm sure we both know that if not for me coming here trying to fix things, this wouldn't have happened. We both know who kissed who first and yeah, those things do matter when it really comes down to it, because starting points are where you either nip it in the bud or let it get so out of control you find yourself running from sunlight, and dodging your best friends at parties.

"I'm sorry Spike." He doesn't know that I can see him bite his lip. I feel like my feet are glued to the floor.

"I'm sorry too." he says, raising his head.

"Hey, stop tryin' to upstage my apology." He smiles at that, and it makes me smile too.

"Sorry." he says, smiling, but it drops too soon. He's moving toward me and I fight the impulse to step back. I do learn _some_ lessons and one thing I know is that close proximity right now, especially in the dark, just isn't a good idea.

But when I feel his hand fall down on my shoulder, I take two steps forward. "I didn't mean to make you-"

"You didn't _make_ me doing anything Spike. Everything I did, I-"

"I'm sorry Zack, but I don't want you to feel sorry for me." His words kind of shock me off my train of thought. Gaia, he would blame himself. He would think that, even though I'd come all the way here, lost my mind in all of five minutes and kissed him like it did this shit all the time, like I don't have a girlfriend.

"Hey, everything I did, I did because I wanted to. How are you not seeing this?" he frowns.

"So you've suddenly discovered you like men too?" he says in that sarcastic way that makes me want to do a dance or something, because it just goes to show how much he's grown over the past year.

"I know, it blows my mind too."

"Stop it Zack."

"There's no stopping it Cloud. Ive tried. And failed. Spectacularly I might add."

"I can take care of myself. I can deal with this on my own, you don't have to pity-"

"You know I love you kid, but do you actually think I would go as far as this just because I felt sorry for you?"

"You..."

"You know better than that Spike." I've always hated skirting around things, but this is the way I tell him that I love him. Or like him very much, in that way that has somehow veered away from just friendship. There's no point in time I can go back to to figure out how we both got here. It's like this just happened on it's own, and I don't know if that makes me feel any better.

It's not that I can't lay back back and let things happen, and it's not like I'm claiming God...or something made me kiss my best friend, but I'd always thought I was more in control. But I guess sometimes you walk into dark rooms and fall into bed, other times those dark rooms are filled with balloons and people who pop out and yell _surprise. _

Or in special cases, _surprise, you like men._

"Zack..." his hand is clenching at my shoulder.

"And...that's why I'm sorry." And I guess, that's my way of saying that this isn't going to happen. He looks up at me, and then steps away from me. Somehow, I feel that if I hadn't said it, he would've.

"You should go." he says again, but he sounds so different this time. I reach for him instead, pull him to me. I want to make it better, but I know how easily we could make this worse. And so it takes all of my self control, to just kiss his cheek, which is so _hot_ to the touch it's amazing. His mouth is just a few inches down, and I freeze, but he steps away from me. "My roommate will probably be back soon." He doesn't look at me. And there's that silence again. I hear voices farther off, moving down the halls.

"This doesn't change anything Spike, I promise." He snorts.

"You know better than that." he says, flicking the light on and turning back to his books. He's right. We both know he's right. But there's nothing I can do but leave, and so that's what I do.

Halfway down the hall, I realize I must have dropped those barrettes on his floor, but it's not worth it, and I've got some ribbons wrapped up anyway. Christmas is tomorrow.

I think about going straight to the church, but as I make my way through the building, I pass exit after exit. I can tell Aerith things I'd never even think of telling anyone else, but I can't tell her this.

"Zack." A voice in back of me stops me cold. When I turn, I see that blue suit and that black hair, and I'm actually surprised. Next to Sephiroth, Tseng has some of the highest most impenetrable walls I've ever seen. He's so about his job, any kind of real friendship between us hasn't really worked out. Still, if I was ever in a bind I'm pretty sure I could call on him.

"Hey. What're you doing here?" I ask him, though technically I don't know where 'here' really is. I've just been walking blindly. It's only now that I've stopped and looked around me that I notice anything.

"I could ask you the same." Shiva, _Turks._

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm just walkin.'"

"Into a dark wing, after hours?" I frown, not so much because of the questions because with the company I keep I'm pretty used to them, but _Tseng,_ he has those eyes too. But they're sharper, not just _I can see right through you_, but _I can see right through you, and it's in your best interest not to pretend otherwise. _He probably doesn't mean to come off like that, but with everything that's happened it just rubs me the wrong way.

"I was thinking."

"Really hard apparently."

"Yeah." He smiles and lowers his head, clearly not used to my current loss of words. Something must be funny about it.

"Then, here. I'll leave you to your thoughts." He's holding out a package. It's the one that was sitting on my desk. I'd totally forgotten about it.

"How..."

"I don't have much time to do things like this Zack."

"Is that why you just left it on my desk?"

"Despite my work, tracking you down for something like this is not my idea of fun."

"You didn't even sign your name."

"I don't see why it matters. But it is a fortunate thing I managed to catch you wandering around here." I roll my eyes. Fortunate. I take it from him, and I'll admit, I'm kind of touched.

"Thanks." He goes to leave but I stop him. "Wait, don't you wanna see me open it?" He stops, and one of the lights above us goes out.

"Zack-" But I'm already tearing it to pieces, and I'm so excited and hasty with it, I feel something from the box fall out and hit my foot. Another light goes out as I bend down to pick up whatever it is, but once I pick it up, I know exactly what it is. I stand up and hold it up to the faint light of the Christmas lights lining the ceiling.

"_Shit_, man." I laugh, and he still doesn't turn around. I take the other piece out. It's barrettes. _The_ barrettes. "How...how did you.."

"I doesn't matter how." I laugh, because it's the nicest and simultaneously creepiest thing. But then I stop. I look at the barrettes in my hand, and I think about the how much I'd wanted them for her, I think about how nice they'll look in her hair.

Looking down at those barrettes makes me feel like the biggest douchebag in existence. And as ridiculous as it sounds, that shiny hair button thing makes me think of before, and the after, or now.

So much has changed in so little time.

"Tseng....I don't know how to...I didn't get you anything."

"Just make sure to give those to her." He says that so quietly, and he still hasn't turned around. But his words ring loud in my ears, sometimes I forget that he knows about her too.

"You know I will." He nods and starts off, and I don't bother to call him back this time. I don't think I could anyway, because the way he walks off into the dark is kind of like how I nearly ran through the halls that one morning.

He's probably got some shady Turk stuff to do. I on the other hand, have nothing to do but wait for tomorrow. And it doesn't bother me to stay still and wait, and I'm not sure if it's because I've spent so much time running, or because strangely enough, they both feel the same.

Author's Note : All done! I had a bit of a block there, but it's all good now. I hope you liked it, especially the little Tseng/Aerith bit at the end. I always felt sorry for his character where that was concerned. I just really wanted to explore the idea of love left unpursued/unrequited and I'm pretty happy with it. I guess you all can already tell but this was supposed to be finished around Christmas but it really didn't work out that way XD. No worries though, merry (very) belated Christmas, and happy spring! And thankyou all so much for the reviews and support, that is def. one of the coolest things about writing on here. Ciao.


End file.
